The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
