Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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