Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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