That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
