I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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