Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
