I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
