i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
