WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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