Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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