i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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