Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
