Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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