are you still at the devil's house?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
