every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
