Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
