So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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