I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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