im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
