I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
