As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
