You smell like stripper and shame
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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