I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
