my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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