You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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