clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
