I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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