why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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