i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
