Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
