o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
