I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
