My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize