I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
