Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just gargled with NyQuil
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
