everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
