Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
