I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
