Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
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Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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