No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
