I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
