I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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