i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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