you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
