All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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