I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
