You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
