from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
