Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Pappa wants mamma naked
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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