I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
don't judge my taste in strippers
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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