I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
