youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
