He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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