my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we're so committed to being not committed
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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