Tell her she can't have a vagina
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
