I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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