your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
