Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
